Quotes and Bumperstickers

Yes, some quotes are not from "real" people, but I like them anyway!

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -- Andy Rooney

When I have to choose between two evils, I like to try the one I haven't tried before. -- Mae West

If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.-- Homer Simpson

Calvin:     People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes:   Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more. -- Jeff Foxworthy

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson

I'm a lot happier (with myself, at least) than most people I meet, because my life doesn't rely on money for richness. -- Mona Kelso (wearing her Cheesehead Hat )

Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. --Jon Stewart

Like I've always said: the darker the tint, the bigger the asshole. -- Penny Tucker (after being cut off by a speeding Mercedes Benz with "no see 'em" dark tint windows)

Life is enough of a challenge without having to deal with other people. -- Robin West

By the time your face clears up, your brain starts going fuzzy. -- Anonymous

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

The more I see of the world, the more I am dissatisfied with it. -- Elizabeth Bennet (From Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice)

Procrastination is the thief of time -- Anonymous

Heads that are filled with wisdom have little space left for conceit. -- Anonymous

I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?"
I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long." -- Steven Wright

Revenge is a meal best served cold. -- Anonymous

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James

When you do not listen to your conscience it's because you do not want advice from a stranger. -- Anonymous

When in doubt, tell the truth. -- Mark Twain

I want nothing to do with natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get. -- George Burns

After so much disappointment, I don't invite happiness in without a full-body search. -- Yours Truly

Religion is a neurological disorder. -- Bill Maher

Every junkie's like a setting sun. -- "The Damage Done", lyrics by Neil Young

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. -- Blaise Pascal



Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Where are we going... and why are we in this handbasket?

What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about?

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot

Friends help you move— real friends help you move bodies

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy

Ugly strikes 1 out of 3

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it


Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Everyone else thinks you're an asshole

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I don't have a license to kill-- I have a learner's permit

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

Save the whales! Trade them in for valuable prizes

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician

Keep honking while I reload

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

i souport publik edekashun

Horn broken. Watch for finger

Cover me. I'm changing lanes

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Give me ambiguity or give me something else

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition

He who laughs last thinks slowest

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog

Rehab is for quitters

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let him sleep

Work is for people who don't know how to fish

No radio - Already stolen

Email me: puncturewounds@runswithscizzors.com